


Down The Rabbit Hole

by robotunicorncastiel



Category: Football RPF, German NT RPF, Real Person Fiction, Sports RPF
Genre: M/M, Magical Accidents, Open Relationships, Pet Names, Polyamory, Schweinski Valentines Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3292328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotunicorncastiel/pseuds/robotunicorncastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which mysterious magical items are carelessly purchased as Valentine's Day gifts, Monika Podolski has a date, Bastian learns the hard way why you shouldn't drink liquids of questionable origin, and Lukas trusts no one.</p>
<p>Inspired by Prompt #4 of the Schweinski Valentine's Day 2015 Challenge, "Puppy Love".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down The Rabbit Hole

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: There are people turning into animals in this story, do you actually believe any of this is true?

In all fairness, Lukas can't say he wasn't _surprised_.

He'd already known since the beginning of the week that Bastian was going to come up with something for Valentine's Day, no thanks to his little WhatsApp clues; so when the concierge of his new apartment in Milan side-eyed him and said he had " _un visitatore_ ", Lukas just assumed he'd find Bastian waiting by his door, probably wearing something that would be very hard to explain to the media afterwards. When he reached his floor, however, Basti wasn't there and his door was unlocked - something that failed to bother Lukas, because he knew (since 2006) how his best friend/sort-of boyfriend was a little shit when it came to picking locks and making unauthorized copies of keys.

But then he entered the flat, looked around, and found only a pile of clothes in the middle of his living room.

"Basti?" Lukas called out, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. The prospect of a naked Bastian frolicking around at his place was very promising, but the search turned out to be fruitless: the Bavarian wasn't in the kitchen, nor in the bathroom, nor in the bedroom. Lukas frowned, puzzled. Was that his idea of "surprise"? Playing hide-and-seek? It wasn't that big a flat, and it was still barely furnished; there weren't that many nooks and crannies for a full-grown man to hide himself. And Lukas really wasn't looking forward to wasting any additional minute without his beloved _Hase_ in his arms.

He went back to the living room to investigate and noticed three things that hadn't registered at first glance. One was a small mahogany box with a lacquered lid and a red velvet interior, in which there were three little vials of an amber-gold liquid; the other was a fourth vial, this one empty, a few droplets of its content spilled on the floor.

The third thing was a live, breathing rabbit.

Unsure of what to do, he croached next to the scared animal and extended a hand for it to sniff like he'd do with a dog or a cat, since his experience with pets was mostly limited to those two (he'd had a fish tank once when he was a kid, but he forgot to feed the poor things before training one day and, well, there had been no fish left by the time he came back). At least it worked somehow, because the rabbit hopped closer, wrinkling its nose and letting Lukas pet its long ears. Its fur was a greyish yellow, soft and short.

"Hey there, little buddy," Lukas whispered, smiling. "I guess we're both victims of a certain Bavarian troll, hm?" He took out his phone from his back pocket and sat cross-legged on the floor, the little animal promptly burrowing its face under his knee as if they were long-time friends. Lukas sent Bastian a simple "u can show up now dumbass xD" and waited, certain that his doorbell would ring in a minute or two. When it didn't, he tried making a call - and then the heap of clothes in front of him started to vibrate.

He checked: they were Bastian's clothes all right, down to Lukas' favorite red boxer-briefs, and that was Bastian's phone on the pants' pocket, unanswered call on display. Lukas raised his eyebrows and looked at the rabbit again. The rabbit looked back at him.

This prank was too elaborate for Basti to come up on his own, he concluded. And since Basti's usual prank partner was Lukas himself, he decided to call the only other person who knew the two of them were going to spend the night together.

"... Lukas?" Monika's hesitation wasn't going to fool him, he decided.

"Yeah, you can quit the pretense, I get it," he answered, half-annoyed, half-amused. "You can also tell him to come out of wherever he's hiding, since his phone isn't on him and I have no idea how to contact him now. He _is_ in Milan, right?"

"Lukas, you're not making any sense. Are you talking about Bastian? I thought he'd be with you by now."

"Well, unless he's turned into a rabbit, he's not," Lukas argued, rolling his eyes. The rabbit bumped its nose against his knee then raised its body, sitting on its hind legs, ears attentively shot upwards.

"He what?" Monika let out a brief laugh on the other end of the line. "Lukas, I don't want to sound rude, but why are you calling me now?"

"Are you at home?"

"Yes, but--"

"Skype," he said, and before she could protest further he hung up and started a video call. She took a while to answer. "Here, let me show you. Whoa, you look nice." She did, and more than her usual self: she was wearing a low-cut black top, long silver earrings, and although her makeup was pretty light it was still too much for staying at home with a six-year-old. The rabbit jumped onto Lukas' lap. "Uh, are you going out, or...?"

"Yup. I, uh. I got a date, too." An awkward silence followed. It was a weird thing, having your wife tell you she's going on a Valentine's Day date with somebody else. (Then again, it was very weird for _him_ to be asking his wife's help in finding his prankster boyfriend for _their_ Valentine's Day date.) Lukas felt a bit jealous, then a bit bad, then concluded the idea didn't bother him all that much. He could still hardly believe his luck, after all - when he'd told her about Basti, he thought she would hate him forever and that it would destroy them both, but so far their arrangement seemed to have been a win-win for all parties involved. Plus, he knew Monika could handle her business even more discreetly than he did; it was only fair that she should reap the fruits of her efforts in remaining mostly anonymous all those years. "So... if you could cut to the chase, I'd appreciate it."

Later he would want to know more about this date of hers and who Louis would be staying with that night, but there were more pressing matters to solve, so he would have to trust his wife's common sense for the moment. "Long story short: I thought I was going to see Bastian tonight, but when I got home all I found was this." He clicked the icon to switch to the back camera and showed her the pile of clothes, the wooden box, and the rabbit on his lap. It pressed its face against the camera, sniffing Lukas' hand, then hopped away to make a nest out of Bastian's clothes.

"I'm no animal expert, so don't take my word for it, but that looks more like a hare than a rabbit. I mean, the legs are pretty long."

Lukas took a more careful look. The animal was gazing longingly at Bastian's locked phone screen, as if it wished it had opposable thumbs. "Makes sense," he mumbled.

"May I ask why there's a hare in your apartment?"

"Beats me," Lukas shrugged. "But Bastian's phone and clothes are here, so I'm guessing it's his idea of a Valentine's Day prank. I thought you'd be in on it."

"Why the hell would I?", Monika snorted. Lukas just shrugged again, admitting to himself he hadn't really thought this through. On the other hand, he wouldn't put it past Monika, much less Basti. In fact, she could still be fooling him. In _fact_ , his brain argued, there was a very real chance that Basti was not in Italy at all - hell, maybe he was _there_ , in _Cologne_ , hiding in Lukas' own house and laughing his ass off as Lukas' own wife played him like a fiddle. "What's with the box?", she asked, breaking his train of thoughts.

"No idea either, he must have brought it with him too." Lukas dragged himself on his knees to pick up the box, but the hare jumped in between his body and the object, staring up at him.

"There's a little piece of paper there, try checking it." He looked in the direction Monika seemed to be pointing. There was a small printed leaflet under the box. The hare tried to slice his arm off when he reached for it, so he had to hold the animal down with one hand and hold the phone with his mouth to retrieve the paper.

"'Magical Gypsy Fantasy Love Potion'," he read aloud, focusing on the pronunciation of each of the words in English.

"Roma," corrected Monika.

"Hm?"

"Roma. Or Romani people. Gypsy's a racial slur."

"Sorry, but that's what's written here, I'm just reading." He showed her the leaflet, having turned the camera back to the front of the phone.

"Well, it does say something about whoever supplied your boyfriend's 'fantasy love potion' mumbo jumbo." There was the faint sound of a doorbell; Monika looked away for a moment, seeming uncomfortable. "Listen, uh, I..."

"I know, I know, it's ok," Lukas sighed. "You really have no idea where Basti might be, do you?"

"Sorry," she shook her head, and she sounded sincere. _Or not_ , Lukas brain added.

"At least I'm not having my Valentine's dinner on my own, I guess," he laughed, turning the phone down to show the hare, which had returned to his lap after losing the fight for the leaflet in his hand.

"It even looks like him a bit," Monika laughed as well. "Speaking of dinner, please don't give it the Chinese takeout leftovers I know you must have on your fridge. Do you have any leafy vegetables?"

"Uh."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't know how you manage to stay fit. Google 'how to feed a hare' or something, I gotta go now."

"Ok. Uh, have a nice date." It sounded as strange as he thought it would, and Monika seemed to have noticed it, but she just gave him a small smile and waved before hanging up.

Lukas put his phone aside and turned his attention to the leaflet, petting the hare to calm it down. The font seemed to evoke a Victorian circus, except it was surrounded by lots of stylized hearts and cliparts of stereotypical fortune tellers reading tarot cards and crystal balls.

_Enrich your love life and make your partner's most secret desires come true with this unique, irreproducible formula!_

_Become the lover of their dreams for an unforgettable night* of unspoken fantasies!_

_Discover their wishes and set your future goals, or give them a taste of what they would never think was possible._

_Watch with your very eyes as your body transforms into a seductive siren, a handsome hunk... or more!**_

_* Effects from consumption of one vial should last four hours._

_** The manufacturers are not responsible for unexpected results. Use at your own risk._

So either Bastian wanted to "enrich their love life" by becoming the lover of Lukas' dreams, or by making Lukas become the lover of his dreams, and both ideas sounded simply offensive to the striker. Wasn't he good enough the way he was? What, did Bastian think he had put on weight or something? And then, instead of talking to him about it like a responsible adult, what he did was buy some "magic" trash that-- geez, did Basti even _believe_ that kind of shit? One of the vials was empty, so he clearly did. Lukas extended his hand to pick up the empty bottle on the floor, but the hare jumped out of his lap and let out a loud squeal, glaring at him with its ears pulled back.

"Whoa, ok, fine, I won't touch it! Jesus," he argued with the animal, as if it could understand him. Monika had been right - with its ears low, it _really_ kinda resembled Bastian somehow.

Lukas looked back at the leaflet, then back at the hare.

"Alright, come here." He gestured for the animal to approach him, which it very un-hare-ly did, letting him pick it up with both hands. Lukas stared straight into its greenish eyes, its nose inches away from his own. "Can you blink on demand? Don't blink until I tell you to. Don't blink. Don't blink." It kept staring back. "Ok, now blink." It blinked.

Well, this was fucked up.

He lowered his new super-smart animal buddy and scanned the room with narrowed eyes. It had to be some kind of prank, and if it was a prank, someone must have been watching this, right? There had to be a camera hidden somewhere, right?

Feeling completely ridiculous for what he was about to do, he lifted the hare again and spoke near its ears in the faintest of whispers, "if you're Basti, blink twice".

It did.

Lukas' mouth hung open for a minute before his brain started working again and he finally said, "Fine, he trained you to do that, didn't he? I don't even know if hares are trainable, but there's no way you can actually understand what I'm saying and _I wonder if you'll still think this was worth it after I never let you anywhere near my bed again, Schweinsteiger_ ", he shouted to the apartment walls. The hare became squirmish in his hands, and he lowered it to his crossed legs, where it sat and looked up at him with a startled look on its face.

He ran a hand over its head and back, making soothing noises. "Sorry for screaming. It's not your fault, of course." It burrowed its face against his inner thigh, as if ashamed. "I just..." Lukas sighed. "I was just looking forward to spending the night with him, you know? No need to 'enrich our love life' or anything like that. Hell, all he had to do to enrich my love life was show up. No funny games, no love potions, just him. Just the way he already is. My Basti. _Mein Hase_."

As if on cue, the hare threw itself on its side against Lukas' crotch and rolled into a little fluff ball in his lap, hiding its face with its front paws and giving him a side glance. Lukas let out a silent laugh through his nose, smiling warmly. He still refused to believe his boyfriend had turned into a small wild pet, but whatever. He was too tired not to play along by now. "Are you hungry? Blink once if you are, twice if you aren't." it blinked twice. "Thirsty?" Twice. "Good."

They stayed like that on the floor for some time, the human hoping against hope that actual human being Bastian Schweinsteiger would show up and save his night, the animal just content to shuffle in his lap and let itself be petted, eyes closed and muscles relaxed. Eventually Lukas gave up and poked his little friend, announcing he was going to bed and that "you can jump in if you want, as long as you don't make a mess". He was not surprised when it did just that, curling next to him over the duvet. _Four hours_ , he thought as he laid his head on the pillow, then his mind drifted off to sleep.

* * *

When Bastian woke up about three hours later he was cold, hungry, and had a toothache.

He rolled on his back on the bed, stretching his legs and patting down his torso. It was a human torso. He dared taking a peek down the lenght of his body and yes, he was human alright. He was also butt-naked in Lukas' bed, but that was the opposite of a problem.

He turned to look at his boyfriend beside him, noticing his clenched fists and furrowed brow, concerned even in his sleep. He and his recklessness were the cause of Lukas' worries, Bastian thought guiltily. Slowly, gentle as a feather touch, he ran a finger over the lenght of Lukas' arm; the striker woke up, startled, but his expression softened as soon as his eyes fell on Basti's familiar human face. Without warning, he went in for a kiss.

Bastian endured the pain in his front teeth for a while, not really wanting to reject him, but eventually it got too bad and he pushed Lukas away, running the tip of his tongue over his gums. "I'm starving. And hungover. What happened?"

Lukas scowled. "Why don't you tell me the part _you_ remember, first?"

The Bavarian rubbed his eyes and forehead. He didn't want to have to mention the part in which he'd turned into a rabbit. Luckily there was plenty to tell before reaching that point of the tale. "I bought us something for Valentine's. Silly thing. I mean, I _thought_ it was a silly thing. In retrospect, maybe I should have gone with a card, or erotic dice."

"Maybe you should have just dragged your beautiful ass down here and that would have been enough."

"Yeah, maybe, let me finish," Bastian grumbled. It did feel like a hungover. "I saw that box on a gift shop. The guy said it was Bärenfang shots."

"The 'guy'." There was a tinge of jealousy in Lukas' voice.

"Yeah, theguy, the sales guy. Eccentric ginger fella type. I should have noticed there was something off with him, but I thought he was just being English. Anyway," he sighed. "I thought it would be cute, you know. I'd be like 'hey, drink this so you turn into my dream lover', and then you'd drink it and of course you'd be just a slightly drunker you, and I'd be like 'ta-da, there's my dream lover'. Except I wasn't sure that these things were actually Bärenfang shots - who knows, right, the guy could have sold me a box of cat piss or something. So I decided to knock one back before you got here." It was all true, up until that point. "Aaaand I guess I blacked out."

"You blacked out."

"Yes."

"So you can't remember anything that happened between drinking that potion-- that _shot_ , and now."

"No. As in, I don't remember."

Lukas stared at his face for what felt like centuries, probably trying to decide if Bastian was lying or if he had dreamed or hallucinated or what. Bastian stared back at him, biting the inside of his cheek, determined to keep his mouth shut. It was not like he could take back the made-up end of his story and say something like "actually no, you're not going crazy, Luki, I did turn into a wild hare for four hours". The striker wouldn't believe him, anyway. It would be better if both of them simply pretended none of that had ever happened. (Even if that meant all the bestiality jokes at the tip of Bastian's tongue would have to go with him to the grave. It was a justifiable loss.)

"I think we should throw the rest of those shots down the toilet," Lukas suggested wisely.

"Yeah," Bastian nodded.

"I mean, it's probably laced with some kind of drug. It's definitely not Bärenfang, believe me."

"Believe _me_ , I know," he snorted. "Then again, now I'm wondering what would happen to you if you drank it. Maybe the royal family of Poland would show up to claim _mein Prinz_ as their last living heir." As soon as the words left his mouth, Bastian's smile disappeared. He had just given himself away - otherwise, why would he expect the "fantasy potion" to turn Lukas into Bastian's pet name for him?

Lukas stared at him with a quizzical look, but then his frown broke into a smirk. "That, or I'd grow a vagina."

"Pfff. As if I could afford to lose your dick," Bastian rolled his eyes, glad that he had dropped the subject; then he snuggled closer and kissed him, toothache forgotten. "Which reminds me that we have yet to celebrate Valentine's Day."

Lukas giggled, resting a hand on his boyfriend's bare hip. "I thought you said you were starving, _mein Hase_."

"Well, you know what they say about rabbits," Bastian retorted, throwing a leg over Lukas' body to straddle him and shutting his laughs with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> As you might know or have guessed, Bärenfang, also known as Bärenjäger, is a German alcoholic drink based on vodka and honey.
> 
> Also, I don't know about you guys but in my headcanon the ginger sales guy is George Weasley setting up a branch of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in Muggle Germany.


End file.
